I consider myself someone who has always been good at tasks. I mean you give me a job and I will make sure it gets done !
Due to this mindset, schooling, working, and even parenting is easy for me to turn into a routine. I don’t think about it I just do it. I finished high school, got my bachelors degree, and then went on to get my masters simply because I could do it. If it wasn’t for the steep course costs /fees, I would go on to get my doctorate degree without a blink or thought. I’m good at completing things, which I’m very grateful for the gift and the ability to do so.
Often times as a mother, if I can be completely transparent, I wonder if I truly just like it or if I just do it because well, my children need a mother and I’m good at it. I know what needs done and I do it yet I wonder if I truly enjoy it ? I remember reading an article where a mother shared she loved her children but didn’t like them and it made me chuckle because it is amazing how we can feel so intensely about things on 2 different scales at the same time. However, with that being said, I love AND like my children, I just wonder how I truly feel about the duties/act of being a mom.
I got pregnant with my son when I was younger and he was an unexpected blessing while my daughter was the child I specifically prayed for for over 4 years. I needed both my children in different ways whether I realized that at the time or not.
Yet one emotion I think is sometimes overlooked is the realization that when you do become a mother you can’t go back to who you were before that. I mean we all know a child is a lifetime commitment but that commitment feels so much more than the word when you are handed a little fragile baby and sent home to help them grow!
I mean I can be as carefree as I was before my children to an extent yet I will never be 100% carefree because I have lifelong responsibilities now. I often wonder who that girl would’ve been and sometimes I mourn her because I truly don’t remember who she was at all.
While I can’t recall exactly who she was, I see parts of her in my children which blows my mind on how clear she appears in them rather than still in me. My son is the extremely calm side of me while my daughter is the extreme fire that I often hide in my bones and am too afraid to let out. Where he easily cries, feels compassion, and displays affection, my daughter is sassy, less emotional, and will tear down a wall and ask permission or if it was okay afterwards.
Yet despite my personal ponderings and the way I view my life, for the last 3 years my husband has been asking for another child but after having my daughter I felt really REALLY done.
Being a full time employee, a wife, a mother, me, I feel stretched to thin. In my mind I keep envisioning ” the other side” of the life I live now.
That feeling is def for another blog post but speaking to other mothers around me I realized more often than not, we all have that ” hands deep in the sink, wondering how I got here moment”.
Yet today the weirdest thing happened. I was literally standing at the sink washing my hand and I felt a soft whisper in my ear saying ” someone is missing”.
Why I didn’t jump out of my skin instead of thinking instantly of another child is beyond me yet it did have me wondering!
Now that my children are here, I couldn’t imagine life without them and they fit so perfectly into my life that I know without a shadow of a doubt they were meant to be apart of it.
So I wonder, what if there is someone who is missing and I don’t realize it because I haven’t experienced the impact they would have on my family/the world ? How do you know when your truly done? And furthermore do “we” even get the option to make that decision?
Does this mean I’m throwing the birth control away right now and getting to work on another ??
ABSOLUTELY NOT !! haha.
But what it does mean is a seed has been planted, and when a seed is planted more often than not it grows..